Trans Meditations On Motherhood

Yesterday was Mother’s day & it will come as no surprise that I, like many other trans women, have complex feelings about motherhood.  — Yes, I can be a woman in so many ways, but on some level I know that my femininity will always be undermined because of my inability to bear children. Converstions about motherhood are plagued with a puritanical comparison between infertility & ‘lack of purpose’; women who cannot conceive are called “barren”, “sterile”, & even “monster” (see example: Avengers: Age of Ultron) The inability to bear children carries with it a host of other meanings; & in some ways, the examples above suggest that childbearing has been gatekept as a validation of a sort of ‘potential energy’. Earth is treated like dirt if it cannot bear crops. It is this ‘potential energy’, & its inability to realized, that plague me as a trans woman. If I am barren like the soil then how can I denounce the claims that I am ‘unnatural’? — that I am this way because of what someone else’s seed stole from me? — that I am biologically purposeless? But transition hasn’t just allowed me to live within my womanhood, it has allowed me to be closer to the person I want to be. — A concept I found myself unable to broach before I came out to myself; I couldn’t think about my future because I wasn’t in it. — I am still incubating the person that I want to be; but allowing myself to live fully & truly has made my future infinitely possible.

a watercolor painting i found discarded in an art supply place; the majority is blue but there is a strong & soft red in the middle. to the side, my partner has quoted my absentminded singing “took my gender pills, gender piiilllsss” To me; transition is a form of adolescence, a way of realizing the full potential of my body. A body that, I occasionally have to remind myself, wasn’t incorrect before & it isn’t unfinished now. It is blossoming. — itself a form of childbirth; in spring a flower opens itself to reproduction, pollination, & sometimes even bears fruit.